Picture this: two people have accepted an introduction. They’ve exchanged texts, calls, and perhaps a few flirtatious moments. The date is set, anticipation is rising, and two chairs sit across a candlelit table. Only one is occupied. His date never shows. He never hears from her again. If you’re yet to start your search for love with us, know that a great deal goes into it.
Before names are even exchanged, significant time, thought, and effort have already gone into every potential match. We’ll cross continents to find two people who may discover a soulmate in the other, each investing time and energy while staying open to what may unfold. Once an introduction is made, where it leads belongs to both of you.
And it all begins with honest communication. In fifteen years of bringing people together, we’ve seen and heard a lot. Yet there’s a growing disregard for basic courtesy when it comes to dating.
The Ethical Contract
At Ivy Relations, respect is part of the agreement. When proceeding with an introduction, you do so in good faith. That means responding, honouring plans and, when circumstances or feelings change, finding a polite way to say so.
Sometimes two people simply aren’t suited. We’re not here to judge or persuade you. We understand, and more often than not, so will the other person. What matters is how you handle it.
Modern dating has given us plenty of kitsch terminology for avoiding that moment: ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching, orbiting, submarining. The terms are new; the impulse is not. People have always found ways to sidestep an uncomfortable conversation. What has changed is how easy technology makes it to disappear, and how readily we’ve found ways to excuse it. Perhaps it’s worth asking what we’re actually excusing.
“I Don’t Owe Them an Explanation”
If you’ve made plans, or spent time getting to know one another, a simple acknowledgement is the bare minimum. Even if you haven’t yet met in person, that doesn’t make the emotional impact any less valid. On the other side is another human being, with their own hopes and expectations. You don’t need to provide a full post-mortem on your feelings.
A simple, “Hey, I don’t feel a connection, but I wish you well,” is enough. There’s a difference between protecting your boundaries and completely disregarding someone else’s.
“I Didn’t Want to Make It Awkward”
Of course not. Telling someone you’re no longer interested is rarely a pleasurable experience. But avoiding a moment of discomfort can create something much more uncomfortable in its place.
Ambiguity leaves both people with questions and makes it harder to know when to move on. A clear rejection may sting initially, but it’s kinder than leaving someone in uncertainty.
“It’s Just How Dating Works Now”
Norms are made by people. Just because something has become common doesn’t make it acceptable. Every time we choose to communicate with transparency and compassion, we chip away at the normalisation of apathy.
The standard we hope to receive from others should be the standard we hold ourselves to.
Like Any Skill, Communication Takes Practice
Modern life leaves little room for clarity. Our attention is fragmented, our days are full, and digital communication makes it easy to postpone conversations we would rather not have. The danger is how quickly later becomes never.
Esther Perel, the renowned psychotherapist and author whose work has explored human relationships for decades, has written about living in a disconnected era, where technology can replace presence with convenience. She argues that small acts of connection are how we rebuild the social muscles that help us relate to one another.
That’s particularly relevant when looking for a partner. Responding when you would rather stay silent, asking for more time, or finding a kind way to express that your feelings have changed are all exercises in courage and vulnerability. They help us become better equipped for the intimacy we’re ultimately seeking.
And if you don’t know how to find the words, ask for help. At Ivy Relations, we know the people involved and the context of the situation. Let’s work together to find a way to say what needs to be said with care. We can’t know for sure where a connection will take us. But we can choose how we treat each other along the way.
Words: Katy Pannocchia